Rowan & Martin made a "joke wall" a popular item in their comedy show in the late 1960s and early 70s. Although I can not (or desire not to) get the exact or similar visual effect, a good humor page can be appreciated among a web page.

    "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For" I am the meanest mother mongoose around.

    The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

    Saint Peter says: "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

    Forrest responds: "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

    Saint Peter goes on: "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions.

"Here is the first:
    "What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?

    "Second, how many seconds are there in a year?

    "Third, what is God's first name?"

    Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up and asks: "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

    Forrest says: "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow."

    The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims: "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. ... How about the next one?" Says Saint Peter: "How many seconds in a year?"

    "Now that one's harder." Says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

    Astounded, Saint Peter says: "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

    Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."

    "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too." "Let's go on with the next and final question." Says Saint Peter: "Can you tell me God's first name?"

    Forrest responds: "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."

    "Howard?!" Asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"

    Forrest replies: "It's in the prayer."

    "The prayer?" Asks Saint Peter incredulously: "Which prayer?"

    "You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest:
    "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"

    "Ooom gowa gowa."

    A delicate, nearby spectator seemed puzzled at the old Indian's attitude and phraseology, and stepped back a bit. He touched her arm and pointed to an artifact of the morning trail drive and said: "Don't step in the ooom gowa gowa."

A:    They are always up in the air, they never have anything to wear, and they are always harping on something.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Commercials, anyone?
*          "I've started talking and can't shut up!"

*          "Where's the chocolate?"

Enough commercials...

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever -so far, so good.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress -Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked> > >something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: A part of your body to find furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

    Getting tired of those? Too baaad...
*          "Do you know what the ewe said to the ram?" "We're gonna have a baah baah."

    (I hope that last one was not a real sound gag. I can take the blaaaaaaaame {or the credit} for the last two.)

It is reported that the following addition to the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dread Sea Scrolls. Since it is authentic, it sheds light on the question: "Where do pets come from?"

    And Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now, I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said: "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you. So that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.

    And it was a good animal.

    And God was pleased.

    And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

    And Adam protested: "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

    And God replied: "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

    And dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

    And Adam was comforted.

    And God was pleased.

    And dog was content and wagged his tail.

    After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

    And the Lord decreed: "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

    And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

    And Adam learned humility.

    And God was pleased.

    And Adam was greatly improved.

    And cat did not care one way or the other.

    The mommy cannibal said to the daddy cannibal: "I wish junior would quit playing with his food."

    Is a cannibal attack a food fight? Only if the food fights back.

    Star Trek inspired some witticisms. Check out these Star Trek jokes. Surely you will like some. If not, then try these in the Canonical List of Banjo Jokes.

    A fellow is talking with his friend and he says: "I'm so fortunate. My mother-in-law is an angel." To which his friend replies: "You ARE lucky, mine's still alive."

Mary Had a Little Lamb...

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,
There were too many lamby clones, for Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary,
So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do with Mary, Mary, Mary...

-Unknown

------------------------------------
Mary had a bunch of lambs
And every one the same,
Genetically identical
They differed just by name.
They followed her to school one day,
The campus they did roam.
I think that she'd be better to
Leave well enough a clone.

anon

    A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.

    Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

    Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

    "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

    "Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

    "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

    "But, what did you use for tools?" Asked the man.

    "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

    "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

    "Would you like to come to my place?" The woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

    She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

    "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said: "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

    "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

    "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

    Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked: "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

    "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

    "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

    The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.

    Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs.

    He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

    "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

    As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

    "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

    "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."

    "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

    The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!"

-- attributed to...
Allan Schaffer
allan@sgi.com
Silicon Graphics
http://reality.sgi.com/allan

If you are sensitive to some forms of humor, press this button to jump over that which I have decided may be a bit too ribald for the extremely genteel.

An abandoned mother of a young boy was required to do the father's job of teaching the chap how to urinate like a man. It is a normal, bodily function so she made it as simple and pragmatic as possible by the numbers. She explained to her son:

"...One, you unzip your trousers... Two, you extract it... Three, then you pull the foreskin back... Four, relieve yourself... Five, pull the foreskin over... Six, put it away and finally; seven, zip up the trousers." He learned his lessons well. Frequently she heard the deliberate: "One ... two ... three ... four ... five ... six ... seven."

All was well in the household until a few years later when she overheard a frantic and getting faster: "Three-five-three-five-three-five..."

Another young chap was discovered by his mother doing the frantic three-five to which she instructed: "Junior! You musn't do that... You'll go blind!"

He retorted: "Gee mommy, can I do it `til I hafta wear glasses?"

Want to contribute, comment, etc.? Write me! ... (Please put "JokeWall" in the subject or early in the body of your message so that I can relate your mail. I am inventing such a tree that the topic of some mail has been vague. Sometimes I can use "indirections to find directions out," but I am not that skilled yet.)

as of June 21, 2001 ... Back to my home page .